working hard, trying to be nice

ruby

2010-08-07T21:17:00.001-07:00

The most important thing about me moving back to Austin is the puppy that I acquired en route. Emily flew up to Philadelphia, where we enjoyed our final two Philadelphia nights, then headed west to Pittsburgh for two nights. We swept through Indiana, visited Theresa's new home, then drove to Missouri, where we got Ruby.

This is Ruby. She was seven months when I got her, and she slept the two days we drove on the road back home with her. I love her. She is a golden retriever/poodle mix, which is officially called a goldendoodle. She's not golden, but she is excellent.

oops, sorry, i'm still here...

2010-06-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

ONLY NINE MORE DAYS!!!!

I am weary. I am ready to begin my new job in a new (old) town. I am trying to love and enjoy my kids hard these last few days.

Because they suck sometimes, but really, I love them more than words. This weekend, I got to take a couple of my students to a small carnival that TFA had in south Philly. So I drove them in my car, we ate pizza, we bounced and tackled each other in a bounce house, we hung on monkey bars, we dunked each other in the dunk tank. It was awesome.

Tomorrow, I'm taking a couple of my girls to get water ice after school, just to show them how special they are to me. Today wasn't even too bad of a day. Yes, there are hiccups. Yes, I still had to manhandle a bunch of kids. But really... it wasn't the worst!

thrill seeker

2010-05-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

I feel like Philadelphia has given me so many new experiences. There are the obvious things, like the beginning of my career, my first time more living further than fifteen miles from my parents, paying bills and rent, and so on.

Then there are the little things. I tend to be a bit of a thrill seeker, nothing too dangerous but just in an effort to get a lot of experiences and satisfy that itch. My dear friend, Tony, tends to be my enabler here in Philly. He is the one who "knows a guy" at the tattoo shop off of South Street. He drives a motorcycle. He also has the relaxed, "let's do it!" attitude that you sometimes need in life. So we keep him around.

Yesterday we are all at jazz and he turns to Theresa and I. "So you guys wanna go shoot guns?" Of course, we both said sure.

I have wanted to shoot a gun mostly because I never have. Neither of us came from hunting families, but a lot of my friends back home definitely did, and, well, guns are scary and I like being a little bit daring.

So we went to this shooting range that Tony goes to, and I was way, way too scared. Theresa did it first and was awesome, but when it came time for me I was too afraid to shoot it. I held the gun and then just couldn't pull the trigger; I kept picturing myself panicking at the way the gun kicks back and shooting myself or a friend or dropping the gun, or something horrible. So I hesitated and hesitated and then finally.... shot the target right in the middle of its face.

Moral of the story: I am much more afraid of guns than I thought. This did NOT make me want to use one recreationally. However, the thrill was definitely a nice stress reliever and I did feel super tough. Thanks Tony!

You should have seen my shaky hand.

The shot in the red was my first shot.

Don't worry, we wore helmets. And didn't drive. And didn't go on the highway.

philly and austin

2010-05-25T04:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out with some friends to a jazz happy hour and an open mic night at World Cafe Live. This is something I highly regret not doing for the other two years I've been teaching... It was so nice! Music and food - it felt like home.

As a matter of fact, one of the performers was introduced as from Austin so I went a little crazy, and the introducer said, "Are you from Austin? Why. On. Earth. Did you leave?" I yelled, "Well, I'm moving back!!!"

I love Austin.

classroom soundbite

2010-05-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

We read "Where The Wild Things Are" so we could compare and contrast the book and the movie. So far it's been pretty fun, although we have only gotten thirty minutes of the movie squeezed in over two days.

In the book, Max gets sent to his room and then sails on his very own "private boat" to where the wild things are. Well, I read this page and then show the picture, and one of my monsters, the one who bit me when I fed him a pretzel, the one who climbed the schoolyard fence at recess, the one who does the splits almost every day, yells:

"PRIVATE PARTS!!!!" and points to his privates. I cracked up. He's ridiculous.

day fail

2010-05-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those delicious failures of a day.

It's not that it was a bad day. It was actually supposed to be a fantastic day, because I was off for graduation. Great. Sleep in, get some hotel breakfast, go run errands and enjoy life.

Well, it started out fine. Sleep in, kind of check. My dad left at 5:45 am but I kind of went to sleep after that. Breakfast, check. I went downtown and returned some clothes. So far, so good.

I got overly excited about the opportunity to get my pay raise for the remainder of the school year for having earned my master's degree, so I decided to get all the paperwork, get a transcript from Penn, and then go to the school district office during the day (because it's impossible to get there after school - go figure that our employers would make it extremely difficult to get to their office). I know this seems a little excessive for a small pay raise, but I can taste those grad school loans. Any little bit helps!

I hustle to Penn, find parking after twenty minutes, and... my transcript doesn't have the degree posted yet, so no transcript. Fail #1.

So, good, at least I sent a bunch of pictures from Shutterfly to Target to get picked up! I needed to mail some photos to my aunt, and had some from my classroom that I wanted to get printed so we could work on our scrapbook pages soon. I drive to Target, and... a small piece of paper in the Photo section says, "Sorry! No Shutterfly." Fail #2.

I gave up and went home and watched TV in my bed on Hulu. My productivity died right then and there and now it's 7:40 pm and I'm watching E! in pajamas. That's the normal for me, but still. Today was supposed to be WONDERFUL!

In other news, I graduated this weekend, and my daddy was here. It's so nice to have your family. Even though they bring out the crazy in you, there's a certain emptiness when they're gone. In the only picture of us from the weekend, my dad looks a little bit miserable, but I promise that he isn't.

biting

2010-05-13T05:06:00.001-07:00

I got bit twice the last two days.

One time was one of my kids when I was feeding him a pretzel. He was so excited that he bit me when I was giving it to him. This was a funny bite. Like a puppy, you know?

Yesterday was my grade partner's student, who was getting taken downstairs for fighting. I found him punching his teacher in the hall so I went to help her and he bit both of us. It hurt!

my mom > everything else

2010-05-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

My mom is the best.

Why?

I've been teaching for over 320 days, and have called my mom at least 300 of them. 150 of them in tears. And she listened, every time. And she tried her hardest to make it better from 1,500 miles away (and even though I got upset at her for offering to help, Mom, thank you.).

She has visited Philadelphia at least five times, and might come again just to help me pack and hug my kids.

She broke up fights in my classroom.

She chaperoned a field trip.

She still shops for me in Austin.

She has supported my need to get a puppy 100%.

She reads this blog despite not knowing how to work almost all technology.

She is beautiful and looks really young, so I'm hoping to inherit that.

SHE IS WONDERFUL.

I love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day!

Postcards courtesy of PostSecret.

the listening center

2010-05-06T18:51:00.000-07:00

Oh, the dreaded listening center.

It is supposed to be a place where students put on headphones, pop in a book on tape or a listening game I have on CD, and do literacy based activities.

It has turned into a constant hub for tattles.

"Ms. Rawson, they are listening to Nicki Minaj."
"Ms. Rawson, they are listening to Lady Gaga."
"Ms. Rawson, the radio is on again!"

This is getting old. It's only been three days.

the sweetest thing

2010-05-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Something that I will truly take with me in the future is the sort of second chance I have had with some of my old students. Now that they aren't mine anymore, and they are so much more mature... how amazing is it that I met them at age 9 and now at age 11 they have morphed into tweens, and really miniature versions of adults?

Anyway, some girls who used to give me hell often come by after school to help me clean. I've mentioned that before, but it's so great not to be their teacher because they almost see me in a friend light and will tell me all kinds of crazy things... They cornered me in my room to tell me I looked and sounded like Miley Cyrus. They ask to borrow books we read last year. They come in all accusatory: "Ms. Rawson. We heard you like Mr. Larry."

"Girls. Mr. Larry is cute, but he's kind of...married."
"YOU AREN'T LYING! He is soooooo cute! That's a shame though... How old are you again?"
"24."
"My brother is 25!!!! But he already has a wife..."

I love that they also have taken a personal interest in finding me a husband. One told me that her brother is almost 24, and that it wouldn't be a problem that I'm white, he already had a white girlfriend before. She actually didn't even bring that up, I did. I always like to see how they react to interracial dating, because sometimes kids trip out over it and sometimes they don't.

"Plus Ms. Rawson... you aren't really white... Now Ms. So-and-so, SHE is white."

That was nice to hear... I guess? It's so funny that their perception of white is usually so negative. So we got to talk a little bit how there are white stereotypes, and black stereotypes, and that sometimes people fit them and sometimes they don't. It was actually pretty neat.

Then we went ahead and turned on my listening center (a bunch of headphones connected to one cd player), turned on the radio, and jammed out to "My Chick Bad" by Ludacris and Nicki Minaj and they freaked out that I knew the song.

These are moments I may never have again with students, huh? My life is not normal.

wing-kids

2010-05-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

You know the term wingman. It refers to that person who maybe plays second fiddle to help you land that special guy or girl you might have your eye on, right?

Well, my students know way too much about me and have way too much investment in my fictional personal life. There is someone at school who I work closely with and who is a good friend of mine, who also happens to joke with some of my kids that we are married. Well it started out that we were married and just turned into that we like each other, or he just likes me, or I just like him. There's a lot of debate in the second grade.

Anyway, he will occasionally tell a kid something "top secret" about me that they will then immediately repeat, or I'll send a kid to threaten another child, "Don't touch him! That's Ms. Rawson's man and she'll GET you!"

They also love to ruin my game. For example, a very new, very cute guy just started working at school and was talking to me at my desk. No, he was about four feet from my desk and we were talking about students, or something innocent, but from clear across the classroom one of my students picked up on the way I must have been interacting with him (I probably touched my hair a lot, or something), and yells clear across the room:

"Ms. Rawson! I'm going to tell Mr. Larry what you're doing!" (That's of course the man I "love.")

Of course, cute other guy says, "I better leave before I get you in trouble with Mr. Larry," as my kid yells, "Ms. Rawson and Mr. Larry like each other!!!!!!!"

Thanks kids!

"this is going to be my boyfriend"

2010-05-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my desk on my prep, which means no one should be talking to me under the age of 22.

"Ciani" walks up. She is half-Puerto Rican, half-black, and beautiful.

"Ms. Rawson, this is going to be my boyfriend when I grow up."

She then lifts her sky blue uniform polo to reveal a t-shirt with a screen printed photo of Daddy Yankee, with Daddy Yankee in script across the bottom.

(Daddy Yankee sings the reggaeton hit, "Gasolina." Don't be ridiculous. You loved that jam.)

sooo much blood

2010-05-06T18:12:00.000-07:00

What was almost a good day turned into a disaster when in the last 15 minutes of the day one boy, "Mark," punched another boy, "Derek," straight in his face after Mark tripped over Derek's shoes. It is unknown whether or not Derek stuck his feet out on purpose to trip Mark or not, but Mark decided to go right at him.

This is not really a big deal. It happens all the time.

Only this time, I was standing in the doorway talking to another teacher when Derek comes running at me, literally shrieking and waving his hands in the air, like a banshee, with kool-aid red blood dripping down his face and the whole class following him screaming as well.

"HIS NOSE IS BLEEDING!"
"MARK DID IT!"
"HE'S COUGHING UP BLOOD!"
"MS. RAWSON THERE'S BLOOD ALL OVER THE FLOOR!"

Derek doesn't want to go to the nurse. Derek instead runs to the computers, spluttering and dripping all over the floor, the keyboards, the computers. It is a bloodbath. He coughs and hacks and continues to bleed while everyone is screaming. Mark, the defendant, is calm. Almost smiling. He might be made of evil.

Anyway, a behavior worker (who wasn't working with either of them) took them downstairs. Then, half my kids run to me and show me their hands, which are covered in blood, and I promptly send them off to the (possibly locked already) bathroom.

Talk about taking universal precautions with bleeding situations.

Then kids start inspecting the blood trail. A couple get Clorox wipes and start cleaning, but someone gets too curious and all of a sudden I hear:

"HEY EVERYONE! 'TAMMY' TOUCHED THE BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!"

Honestly, it was kind of hilarious. Everything was back to normal today. Mark didn't show.

philly fans/news

2010-05-04T19:20:00.000-07:00

When I found out I was moving to Philadelphia, most of my friends were extremely negative about the city.

"Rebecca you can't move there. The fans are horrible. They threw batteries at Michael Irvin when he was getting carted off the field!"

So, yes, Philly has had a reputation for years. Well, last night during the Phillies game, a seventeen-year-old jumped onto the field and was tasered and dropped. The best part? Someone did it again tonight, literally pausing the game as Cole Hamels was winding up a pitch.

This was the leading story tonight on the news after the Times Square car bomber.

The crazy thing is that today there was a shooting at the corner in front of my school. The entire preschool witnessed the actual shooting as it was at the park where they were walking to, and the school went on lockdown. The man was shot in the shoulder but is going to be okay and the guys who did it sprinted off. We don't know why they did it, but he is related to one of our staff so hopefully she will keep us updated on his condition and the details.

Don't even get me started on how unsafe the whole process was. We "locked down" the school, which essentially meant "no recess." A real lockdown consists of locking every classroom door, closing windows, and having all students sit in the center of the room. We didn't even lock our outside gates and people were entering and exiting through the front doors of the school. True, the violence was not random and targeted at the school. However, it's not one of those things where you can just let precautions and procedures slide. It was a shooting. Someone was shot. Within 20 yards of the school. Not okay.

Anyway, this obviously did not make the news. Generally, there are a lot of shootings in Philly. I'm not going to act like this was newsworthy. It really isn't at this point. And that may be the craziest part...

naps

2010-04-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

I have started behaving like a depressed person again.

Don't worry. But I have been taking serious naps between the hours of 5 and 7. In fact, the past two days I have missed spinning class at the gym because I have fallen into a deep, paralyzing sleep. It's that kind where toward the end you wake up and you are in the biggest hot sweat, and yet it doesn't motivate you to move an inch. Today I was sleeping on top of my computer charger, and my computer was open and playing "Modern Family," and it started burning my back and I continued to sleep.

This is a problem.

The biggest reason why is obviously getting to sleep at night. I have little problem falling asleep, but last night was the first time in months that I couldn't fall asleep, and it was most likely because of these dangerous night naps.

I can't help it - I'm tired. And I'm slightly less busy than I was before, so the opportunity to curl up in my bed during daylight hours has started to arise. It's lowered my productivity, but I deserve a nap or two after completing (and turning in!) a 30 pages thesis on violence and aggression in young children! Right?

Today we had an assembly for African dance and drums. One of the few things my school does well is this after school program that we have come to our school to teach students technique in west African dance and drumming. The kids performed today and then they made two teachers get on stage. Guess whose kids made her go up there? It was fun to have your children love you enough to want you to really embarrass yourself in front of the school.

37 days

2010-04-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired!

The days are long. It's almost May, and was pretty cool and windy all day. That's a huge blessing because we get extremely hot in our classroom, so we were able to not sweat to death during class today.

I was out yesterday and Friday and came back to a broken pencil sharpener and a few ripped books, but nothing too out of the ordinary. Of course, my kids were completely out of control according to all the other adults in the building, so I, in my cruelty, have taken away recess for the rest of the week and the next week. Initially, it was only to be one week, but they got so crazy today that it became two.

I don't even know how to describe what goes on in there during the school day. They are seriously out of control. The problem is that I can't even remember what went on, but it's nuts. They are running around and standing on desks and throwing chairs in the first hour of the day. Not only that, but during recess, one of my kids got mad and climbed the fence of the school yard - and got almost completely over it, too. REALLY? Did he get in trouble? Ha!

who would have thought?

2010-04-23T11:32:00.001-07:00

I am deeply mired in finishing my UPenn grad school work. I graduate May 15, and then it's goodbye college, hello graduate school loans! My thesis is due next Wednesday, with my final elementary methods project due in May.

My elementary methods class has been truly helpful for me because my professor, first of all, is wonderful and kind and understanding, and second of all, teaches in the school district and has real knowledge and experience. I enjoy going there and talking with my cohort about our crazy classrooms.

For our final project, we are to make a website. The website can really be... anything. It could be a "best practices" site (NOT my thing), a collection of lessons (no thanks), a social commentary (could be interesting), anything. I decided that I wanted to make a positive memory, if possible, so I have started making each one of my students a page on my website, posting their picture and a little positive write up on each one and their uniqueness. ((Don't worry world, this website is NOT public; their pictures are not accessible or anything.))

This has been such a rewarding little project. It's so good for me as a teacher, especially a struggling teacher, to physically acknowledge the gifts my kids have and why they are wonderful. I don't do this enough because I'm busy wanting to kill them!

time is ticking

2010-04-21T07:57:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh: A child ran up to me yelling, "Ms. Rawson! I've got something for you!!!"

Then he drops to the ground and start taking his shoe off. "Honey, I don't want your sock!" "No, no!" he says. He takes the shoe off and dumps it, and out falls a dollar for his pretzel. Mind you, this little guy has been trying to pay for pretzels with pretend dollars every day. It was a huge victory for him.

And he had a backpack - did the dollar have to be crumpled in his shoe?

sick and tired

2010-04-20T05:08:00.001-07:00

I am so tired of being scolded and yelled at by adults. Don't you think that at a certain age we would stop speaking to each other like this?

Yesterday I was yelled at for sharing too much information (apparently a classroom aide says no one needs to know my dog's name or anything about my family), for not reporting a child breaking a fan, and for calling the officer to help with a student slamming his hand in the door.

I think I've made this PSA before, but if you are of working age, whether a boss or not, be kind to your coworkers. You never know what someone is going on in their head. Just be cautious - I know there are some students I more readily pick on than others; are you doing that with someone who works under you?

vogue!

2010-04-14T20:06:00.000-07:00

Vogue

Yup world, Sue Sylvester (Jane Lynch) goes Vogue. And Nathan from So You Think You Can Dance is one of the male dancers. Way to go Nathan! And no thumbs up to me for recognizing that... In lieu of a life, I have developed a keen eye for reality stars I guess.

pssa

2010-04-11T17:43:00.000-07:00

My kids don't take the state test, the PSSA, which is great because it's a whole lot less stress for both myself and them.

However, we feel the effects.

My classroom is the only room in the school with a partition wall between my class and the class next to mine. This means that our classrooms are not completed separated, and that we can easily hear each other, even if my class were to be silent and it was just me talking. Which is never the case. This class next to me is a third grade room, which means they are taking the PSSA. For six straight days.

This means that for six straight days from 8:30 until 11 my students are in the cafeteria, where I am expected to teach.

As it is, the cafeteria is a place for running amuck, beating the crap out of each other, crying, and smashing food all over the floors.

It is a place where the acoustics only amplify screaming voices of children, where a television couldn't be heard even if you tried.

Additionally, my grade partner's class got moved because they are pretty noisy too, even without the partition wall. Unfortunately, our classes fight like warring gangs. Not a pretty sight for almost three hours.

Thursday we go back to normal... I'm excited to be in my classroom, and I never in a million years thought I would say that!

just saying

2010-04-02T09:18:00.000-07:00

Costa Rica was incredible. I am so thankful for Spring Break.

I flew into San Jose, stayed in Ciudad Colon for a day with Theresa's friend, George, then we drove to Manuel Antonio - a beach plus a national park that is beyond gorgeous (and a primary forest!). We stayed in a hostel and got to just sit. I'm on my fifth book of the vacation.

On our way back to Ciudad Colon we did a canopy tour, ziplining through the rainforest. The ziplines were as high as 350 feet in the air and it was absolutely breathtaking. The best part? It started to rain and we zipped through a rainstorm.

This is a childhood dream for me. In third grade we did a unit on the rainforest and I was never the same. Even my mom reminds me of it - I bought a piece of the rainforest back then and have been dying to go ever since. What a great first experience!

The funny thing about traveling is that while you're doing it, you catch that bug. While I'm here in Philadelphia, I don't feel a particular urge to go everywhere and see everything. But while I'm doing it, all I want to do is see MORE. I want to go everywhere! It's almost like this compulsive need to fill every spot in my passport.

Maybe the first thing I should do is tackle bigger and better rainforests... Amazon anyone?

has this happened to you?

2010-03-25T10:23:00.001-07:00

You know that moment when you realize exactly why someone acts the way they do and it brings you to your knees for a second?

My students do have it rough, but not all of them have major sob stories. Several have two parents active in their life, and all have someone who cares for them at home. They don't have a lot, but their reality isn't concerned with what they are missing. In other words, they don't really know how unfair it is that they live in such a broken down place, go to such a broken down school, and have so much less than other, more affluent kids. They get by and they are, generally, okay.

Today was a half day for parent/teacher report card conferences. Over half of mine were picked up so far, which is pretty good (and I'm only expecting one or two more). There is one boy of mine who is by far the most intelligent student in the class, especially with math. I got him a multiplication book last semester (that's a third grade skill) and he has already started killing it. He's smart. He has good ideas and dreams of being a basketball star. He looks up to his older cousins and plays with them constantly. But there are moments where he just loses his mind, kicking over desks and chairs and beating someone so hard that he continues to punch and kick even when he is pried away. He will leave the classroom screaming, "I F---ING HATE THIS SCHOOL!!!!!" He just turned 8. He's a baby!

He lives with his grandma, who is a sweet, sweet woman who obviously cares deeply for him and is loving and gentle with him. He also doesn't act up at home. (There are times when you know a parent is exaggerating in order to save face - heck, I probably would too, but there are other times when you can tell there is real honesty there.)

Today, she picked up his (great) report card, and I talked with her a little about his behavior and why it would happen at school. I found out that his mom is walking the streets strung out on drugs. But it's not just any street. She is almost always out on the streets and corners that he walks to get to and from school, and she will often either ignore him or try to kiss him and get his attention, high out of her mind. Can you imagine? It is almost worse than her being absent. She's around, but so high that she is often just lying on the sidewalk. He has to watch his mom, who should be his rock, fall apart.

When I found out, I felt like I got kicked in the gut. I have been so irritated at him, and his lashing out, and his fighting. So tired of it. And so tired of how he switches back so quickly that he hardly receives a consequence for his aggressive actions. Sure, I didn't know what was going on outside of the classroom, but this always holds true: any irritating or downright awful behavior someone exhibits is generally caused by something else you can't even imagine. They always have a reason for acting the way they do. And sometimes it's a valid reason.

Additionally, Grandma told me that my student's dad had been in his life pretty actively for two months straight during this school year but that he hadn't been picking up his phone to the little boy the past few weeks, and she could only assume he was back on drugs too.

glee is coming...

2010-03-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

"I'm gay. Mercedes is black. We make culture."
"How do you two not have a show on Bravo?"

Glee comes back April 13 and I'm pretty excited about this promo!

Not to mention that Memorial Day weekend I'm going to NY with my friend Kate to see the Glee tour! This is pretty fangirl of us but there's no shame, really. Glee is AWESOME.

field trips rule

2010-03-21T15:20:00.001-07:00

I surprised my mom by scheduling a field trip during her time here. She has spent two days in the classroom so far (and has one more to go) and one of them was on a trip to the National Liberty Museum in Old City.

I can't remember if I wrote about this or not, but last year I didn't organize any of the field trips we took. Another teacher always did, which was wonderful because collecting money and dealing with bus companies can be such a hassle. When we went to the art museum this year, which I scheduled all by myself, the bus that I booked was over one hour late and we basically missed our tour. This was not good.

This time, the trip got planned and the bus was on time. Let me tell you, everything was on our side. The museum guides were wonderful. We did a tour on peaceful resolution to conflict by studying different heroes and pieces of glass art. I thought it was a wonderful tour and the kids really seemed to enjoy it.

The weather was also on our side, because we were able to enjoy a picnic outside in flawless 70 degree weather in one of the most historic parts of town. Everything went off without a hitch (with the exception of a little roughhousing getting too intense at the park).

If you teach in Philly, I highly recommend the National Liberty Museum. They also waived our fee for being a high need school, which I am so thankful for. Thanks guys!

balls

2010-03-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

Today we were working on arrays. You make an array by completing a multiplication problem in dots (ex: 2x5 = 2 rows with 5 dots in each row). Well, I have these flat little counters but couldn't find them (story of my ENTIRE life) so I improvised and used these little beads I have that link together. They are annoying because they are hard to connect and roll everywhere, so they end up ALL OVER the floor, but several kids were absent so I figured we would go for it.

Everything went okay except for the fact that the only word we could use was "balls." For some reason, I just couldn't think of the word "bead", so "balls" came out instead.

Examples:

"Stop playing with your balls!"
"If you don't stop playing with your balls, I'm going to take them away."
"I can't put my balls together!"
"My balls keep falling."
"Marcus keeps trying to steal my balls!"

That last one got the whole class giggling, but before that, no one except me seemed to notice we were talking incessantly about, well, balls.

thinking ahead

2010-03-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm about to count how many school days there are left...

Okay, according to my calendar, there are 65 teaching days left in the 2009-2010 school year. That's a lot of days, but I think I can manage. Here's why.

While I was out, three of my most difficult kids (including the prince from the previous couple of posts who is very into the death threats, weapons at school, and dangerous attacks) actually moved away. Well, two moved away and one, the boy I keep talking about, was transferred into an emotional support one on one program, which he desperately needed.

I mean, this kid pulled everything off of the principal's walls in his office...
...unplugged the nurse's computer three times as she was trying to log an incident that ...sent an aide to the hospital with her head busted open,
...told a classmate he took his mom's virginity
...called teachers, behavioral workers, and classmates every bad word in the book
...pulled out all my fake money and threw it around the classroom while walking around desks, "Got money, b----!"
...assaulted me four times
...choked a girl while pounding her head on a desk over and over because the girl was talking to herself
...quoted "Half Baked" over and over
...brought a razor blade to school and walked from kid to kid whispering "I'm going to stab your skin off."

Okay enough about him. He had a lot of trouble and deserves his own novel. Anyway, I could do very little for him and I'm so happy and relieved that he has a chance by going to this emotional support school.

Anyway, I was talking about why I can make it the next 65 days:

thinking ahead!

I am so excited to road trip back to Austin. To find an apartment. To live near my family. To get a puppy. To start my new job and training. To go to my old gym. To eat Jason's Deli. To eat Chuy's. To go to Elephant Room, Cork & Co, Zilker Park and ACL, Barton Springs, Mt. Bonnell, P. Terrys, Dominican Joe, the Anthropologie downtown, the Domain, every where on South Congress, the Co-op, Texas football games, Texas basketball games, Texadelphia, Quack's. To Austin Stone, to hang out with my high school best friends, to hang out with my college best friends. To visit friends in Dallas and Houston. To go to Alissa, Cori, Cecelia's lake houses. To wakeboard. To lay out at apartment pools. To fellowship with my friends. To go to West Sixth, to 4th Street, even to 6th Street. To see Bob at Antones, and Saxon Pub, and even Threadgills. To go to Mean-Eyed Cat and El Arroyo. To go to HEB and Wal-mart and Target and have it all be so close. To run on Town Lake, then get pancakes at Magnolia or snocones at SnoBeach. To go to Mozarts, Hula Hut, and Cain and Abels on Lake Austin and watch the sun set. To watch a film and go to a sing-along at Alamo Drafthouse. To eat everything, everywhere, to sweat and never complain about it again. Oh my goodness. I'm so excited.

All photos courtesy of Steele Meisinger. I love you!

all things gaga

2010-03-12T17:43:00.000-08:00

I love Lady Gaga. I love Beyonce. So, because of that, I love Lady Gaga/Beyonce collaborations.

Lady Gaga made a seven minute long mini-film for her music video, "Paparazzi".

For her song, "Telephone" with Beyonce, she used the music video to be a sequel to the first. It is crazy, strange, pretty inappropriate a few times (watch it, but don't watch it at work), but SO GREAT! Oh my goodness, so great. Watch it! But also, don't blame me if you hate it. It definitely takes a song that is meaningless and creates a whole random story, and Gaga does a lot of posing in fabulous avant-garde outfits. Also, you should see this video if you like Quentin Tarantino films (Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill 1 & 2, Inglorious Basterds), because there is a Kill Bill vibe and a Kill Bill artifact.

Love!

typical every day.

2010-03-12T12:41:00.001-08:00

One of my most special little psychopaths is one of the most violent children I have ever seen, and that's saying something - everyone is violent here. He tends to fight constantly with everyone, including me.

Yesterday, he repeatedly pretended to shoot guns at my head (at least it was pretend right?). The pretend guns were so big that he would stagger backward as he made each shot.

The end of the day, over an hour after school had let out (so about two hours since I had last seen him), I was getting in my car and he came on his bike, all smiles and dimples. We talked a little and as he rode away he screamed,

"I LOVE YOU!!!!!"

It's better than gunshots.

Today he ran into the classroom and yelled at an unsuspecting student, "I'm gonna f--- you up, n----!" Then, "Move your fat a-- you b----!" to my aide as she was holding the door shut from the outside.

favorite quotes on the first day back

2010-03-11T04:48:00.000-08:00

"Ms. Rawson, you got a new voice with your broken leg! I like it!" (My new voice is one that hasn't had to yell in almost three weeks.)

"Ms. Rawson, you look bigger with that thing on." (Referring to the boot. At least they're honest, right?)

back to life...

2010-03-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

I got my feet wet today coming back to school. It was my first day back since 2/19, and luckily it was a half day. That means only 3 and a half hours with the babies.

I'm not going to lie to you, it was absolutely wonderful to see them. There were six absent, so of course, that helps, but I was ready to get back into it, or as ready as I can be in my tough situation.

Tomorrow will be the first full day back, so we will see what I have to say after that...

Maybe part of why I'm so happy is that, loyal followers, I just received a job offer for next year. And that job will be in Austin, Texas. At the very end of June/beginning of July I will be moving back and starting over at a charter school in east Austin.

Of course, this means that my Philadelphia adventure will be over, for now, rendering this blog useless. But don't fret, I have about seventy more school days, and I'll try to leave you with as many nuggets as possible.

Here's one: There is some SHADY STUFF going on at my school. Like, so shady that I can't even mask it on here. So shady that I'd have to go super incognito to talk about it. So shady that it could be illegal... It's nuts. Teachers like to talk, so who knows if the rumors are just that or if there really is some serious drama going on behind the walls, but I know I'll be watching and listening...

also

2010-03-02T11:17:00.000-08:00

In a sudden burst of determination, I have been slowly but surely cranking out my first draft of my thesis. The monster is now starting its 18th page. I'm aiming for 25-30, and I'd like to finish it before this weekend, just because I'll be back teaching next week. I'll keep you posted.

misadventures of the boot

2010-03-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

The boot doesn't get nearly as much attention as the crutches, but I am so glad to be in it. I can carry my own stuff. I don't have to worry more than usual about slipping on ice (mind you, I can fall just as well without crutches). I was even able to brave the gym.

Everyone knows that the gym tends to get a little segregated. You generally find women on the cardio machines - treadmills and ellipticals, in the workout classes, and doing crunches on the stability balls on the mats. This is me. I do my cardio for my entire workout, stretch way too quickly, do thirty seconds of crunches (maybe), then go home. The men are definitely doing their cardio too, but they are all about the free weights and the machines, bench pressing, grunting, and overall being manly and kind of gross. I usually don't even venture toward the weights section - for two months I didn't know that the gym extended as far down as it did because I kept to myself on the treadmill in the front. It's not that I don't want to be toned. I do. But I find it highly embarrassing to grab my five pounders and do arm curls in the mirror when men are all around lifting their 200 pound weights. Plus, I hardly even know how to do arm curls and lift weights correctly. I'm probably not working out anything but my fingers or doing something to build up the fat in my arms instead. Also, I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to get on a machine and couldn't figure out how to sit on it, adjust it, or use it. So instead I just sit there and act like I'm taking a break from reps, then slip out.

Since I am in a boot, cardio is basically out of the picture. So yesterday, I hobbled into the gym determined to get over my fear of weight lifting. And I have to say, avoiding eye contact does wonders. I pretended to know what I was doing and everyone else pretended not to notice that I was wearing a giant boot and that I obviously had no idea what I was doing. Good times!

foot update

2010-03-01T09:24:00.001-08:00

I visited an orthopedist today and was put in a boot. The funny part is that the doctor said the better choice would be an orthopedic shoe, but that it was less conspicuous and he thought it might be better to have something bigger and more obnoxious so kids stay away from it.

Instantly, I loved him.

Thus, I am hobbling around in an unnecessarily large boot. You know what this means? Back to the gym.

Calm down. I'm not doing cardio. I won't secretly strip the boot, put on my other running shoe, and do my normal six miles on the treadmill. But you see, I am enrolled in the Healthy Lifestyles program with my insurance company for the second year. This program gives you $150 if you go to the gym 120 times in a year. I need to get to 120 before I am off of this insurance/moved out of Philadelphia, so I was trying to go 120 days in a row in order to get my $150 right around when school ends. The snow and this injury have been no good for this, so I intend to go to the gym for 30 minutes of weights and other things that don't involve the boot and hope I don't get too many funny looks.

music recommendations

2010-02-27T11:46:00.000-08:00

Since I don't have a lot of student stories to tell right now in my incapacitated state, I think I'll make this a space to talk about things I love.

So, music. Maybe you are looking for something to download, so here goes. Be warned that I avoid a lot of slow music so as not to get depressed.

Ingrid Michaelson - "Maybe" Ingrid is one of my favorite singers, and this upbeat hopeful tune is one of my favorite songs.

John Butler Trio - "Better Than" So great. Saw these guys back in 2002 opening for John Mayer but never had much interest. They are wonderful.

Ryan Bingham - "I Don't Know" and Jeff Bridges "Fallin' & Flyin'" Two songs from "Crazy Heart." My roommate, Conrey, is all about Ryan Bingham - he's an Americana/alt-country singer who was discovered while he was living out of his car and trying to make it as a rodeo star. He's pretty dreamy.

Kings of Leon - "Be Somebody" Might be catchier than "Use Somebody."

Lady Antebellum - "Need You Now" Everything Lady Antebellum is good. It's country but doesn't overwhelm you with twang.

Zac Brown Band - "Chicken Fried" - So catchy. I am definitely on a little country kick. I guess it's my soul missing Austin.

Adele - "Best for Last" - Stop what you're doing and buy her whole album!

while home with broken foot...

2010-02-26T07:11:00.001-08:00

I have showered one time in one week. It is REALLY difficult to get to the third floor, put the shower sleeve on my splint, and stand on one foot.

I have watched six movies. Shutter Island, Avatar, Crazy Heart, Iron Man, Good Hair, and Maria Full of Grace. That's more movies than I've watched so far this year.

I went to my first movie by myself. (Avatar. I enjoyed it, and I enjoyed the solo movie experience.)

I went shopping twice on crutches. It wasn't the best idea.

I got to page seven on my thesis. It's been one week home and I've written two pages. Really? I'm a little embarrassed.

it happens.

2010-02-22T14:23:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I am accident-prone, and, if I believed in luck, fairly unlucky.

Thursday:
A student is tipping her desk forward. It is on two legs, with two off the ground. This is a pet peeve of mine as desks end up falling or getting dumped. I ask her to put her desk down. She does not. I walk over to her desk to (1) put it on all four legs, and (2) take it away for a few minutes (yes, desks are a privilege. You can lose them if you abuse the privilege).

Well, the desk, of course, tips over. Onto my foot. Although it was that incredible pain of dropping something EXTREMELY heavy, I didn't react. I was asserting my authority in the classroom and you can't let them see you flinch, right? Anyway, I kept right on teaching. The top of my foot quickly bruised, and hurt, but I pretty much ignored it. I am accident-prone, but usually my injury isn't particularly life threatening.

Friday:
Friday morning, I limp into school and talk to a few other teachers, who look at my foot and say that I HAVE to get x-rays; that my foot is probably broken. I go see the nurse, who agrees. Those of you who are employed know that workman's comp is another monster entirely. I go straight to my administrator, who sends me straight to the secretary to fill out a claim form. The both of us don't know exactly what to do, and we don't have any papers, etc. etc. So I continue to teach all day on my foot, limping but otherwise okay. One hour before the day is over, the secretary calls up and says that the administration needed to fill out the incident report (confusing, since my administrator told me to go to the secretary... hmmm).

Because it ends up that no one can help me figure out workman's comp, I call my own doctor and set up an appointment after school. I realize that you are supposed to ONLY see a workman's comp doctor, but at this point my foot is hurting and I don't think waiting til Monday would be beneficial.

Turns out my coworkers were right. My doctor sends me to x-rays, and sure enough, there's a small fracture on the top of my foot. The ER doctor tells me that sometimes people get a boot put on (which you can walk in) but in my case with the bone that is broken she thinks it needs a splint and absolutely NO weight bearing... so, crutches. Awesome. I had already walked on the fracture for two days. Don't tell anyone, but Thursday night I got on the elliptical machine for half an hour with a broken foot. My doctor would kill me.

Monday:
Fast forward to this morning. I go to school to make sure that all my forms get filled out and take my next steps, knowing that I can't teach on crutches. Not only is our elevator broken, but the nature of my school does not lend itself to crutching after the kids. I am constantly on my feet, walking around to assist kids and also to break up the never-ending fights.

Mind you, I am on crutches. With a soft cast on my foot up to about my knee. I am not all the way in the office when my administrator, the same one who told me to go to the secretary when I came to her FIRST about my injury, starts yelling.

Administrator: "WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS. YOU DIDN'T FILL OUT AN INCIDENT REPORT."
(She says it as though, sorry, this isn't going to work out - you're just going to have to be stuck here because you did something wrong.)

Me: "You told me to go straight to the secretary. I didn't know what else to do."

Administrator: "YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO THE SCHOOL OFFICER."

Me: "The officer was absent on Thursday."

Administrator: "SHE WAS HERE ON FRIDAY. SHE DOES THE INCIDENT REPORTS. YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE STRAIGHT TO HER. NOW YOU MAY NOT GET PAID WHILE YOU'RE OUT AND YOUR MEDICAL BILLS WON'T GET PAID."

I calmly explained to her that I was unaware that this was the process, and that I had my statement and could get documentation from the school nurse as well if necessary. I also said that I wasn't trying to screw the school over, or fake, that my foot was actually broken and I needed to get it care in spite of the fact that the workman's comp papers couldn't seem to get filled out last week. She just walked away.

This is what I deal with every day.

Unions can be controversial, but this is where they come in handy. Luckily there were witnesses to all these conversations that happened on Friday (particularly the one where my administrator told me to do THE WRONG THING which she has now blamed me for), and on the advice of some other teachers, I called the union today and explained the situation... Now I hate to be a tattletale, but it was necessary in this situation.

In a school where it seems like no one is on your side, especially those who are in charge of you and are supposed to be supporting you, it's nice to have the support of a union that always has your best interests (although they may have the higher interest of taking those administrators down - fine by me in this case). The woman I talked to at the union was NOT pleased. They are sending me to another doctor tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted. Hopefully my first draft of my thesis will get written this week. If it isn't, you can all slap both my hands.

on not wanting to turn 24

2010-02-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

I am not particularly excited about getting older.

I was prepared to celebrate my 24th birthday by going to school, having "fun" with the kids, then going out to dinner with some of my best friends here. Thursday night dinners have been a staple between myself and some of my friends here, so I was excited that my day had conveniently fallen on a Thursday.

More importantly, my best friend from college, Whitney, was coming in from LA to celebrate my birthday with me. More than anything I was excited to have someone from my old world in my new world while I crossed over to this new age. (I know I'm being dramatic and that 24 is not old. It just feels that way a little bit.)

The blizzard, of course, changed everything. On the upside, school was canceled.

On the downside, getting anywhere was virtually impossible. Whitney's February 10 flight was of course canceled because that was the day of the blizzard. She rescheduled for the 11th, my actual birthday, when the snow had stopped, which ended up getting canceled as well.

So, on my 24th birthday, I sat on my couch. I was snowed in. I watched TV. I read a book. And I cried a little bit. I wanted Whitney to be around. I wanted to be with friends.

My sweet friend Jeff didn't go sledding the previous day and wanted to go that day instead. I needed to get out of the house and was excited about the snow still, so I met up with him at the art museum to sled. The plan was that he and a couple of others would go to dinner in our neighborhood (where we could walk to one of the few restaurants). After sledding, my sweet friend, Kate, and I went home to change and then meet up with Jeff and maybe Marisa.

So we get to the house, and the lights are all off (as they had been all day) but I can see some candles lit in the kitchen. I open the door... and all my best girl friends are in my house and have surprised me with decorations, cake, cookies, and all kinds of wonderful things. I was so surprised, and instantly realized that I am very lucky to have the friends I have here. They came in spite of feet of snow and dangerous streets to make my day wonderful after all. And it was! Theresa cooked dinner and we ate and laughed and had a great night.

Thank you!

the sullivans

2010-02-13T11:53:00.000-08:00

I've mentioned them before, and I have their blog linked to mine, but my Young Life leader in high school, Sara Sullivan, passed away in September just two weeks after giving birth to her and her husband, Brady's first child, Chloe Grace. The story is especially heartbreaking because Sara was generally the best person anyone ever knew. She had a smile that lit up rooms and a heart that was always open, always caring. She loved my friends and me well, and I ache sometimes when I think about her and miss her.

Her husband, Brady, is still blogging through his journey after this storm of losing Sara. I hope you'll be encouraged by this post, and go back and read all of their story. His faith and strength in this challenge is so amazing, and baby Chloe is beautiful. I can't wait to meet her and see Sara in her.

on why i maybe shouldn't write a thesis...

2010-02-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

...although, I am going to write a thesis because (1) I have to and (2) I already took off work for my May graduation (yes, prematurely overexcited about graduating and taking a day off school although if this thesis doesn't get written there will be NO graduation).

One of my Ivy leaguer Philly bffs said to me that she was going to do a lit review this weekend for her thesis. I had no idea what a lit review was. (Apparently, it's reading all the articles you are using.) I am in big trouble.

wish you were here!

2010-02-11T09:04:00.001-08:00

So we had Monday off of school because of the two feet of snow that blew in between Friday and Saturday night. Late Tuesday night, snow started coming in AGAIN. Wednesday afternoon, it started again, blizzard-style. Since I know that this may be the only time this ever happens for me, I knew I had to take advantage.

A few reasons why I needed to take full advantage of the snow day:
1. This was the third snowstorm this school year and I was either out of town or refusing to leave my house the other two times.
2. It's possible that I may never live in a snowy climate again.
3. This is, thus far, the all-time snowiest winter to date in Philadelphia, so it may never happen again in Philly, either!
4. SNOW IS FUN.

So the snow starts coming down like crazy (and on top of the feet of snow left over from the weekend) and my neighbor Steve and roommate Conrey and I bundled up and headed to the art museum steps. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that we live two stoops away from five college boys who are the perfect compliment to our lame teacher lives. They have very little responsibility, a big television, and lots of spare time. They are pretty awesome and have been a saving grace to me in my time here. My friends are spread out over the city so it's nice to have friends you don't have to hop in the car (or a cab) for!

The art museum has become a hot spot for urban sledding. As you know, there are hundreds of steps. They are, of course, the steps Rocky infamously runs up. You can catch people doing this constantly. We are lucky to live so close to the steps... and we didn't have a sled, but luckily, people had brought beer, laundry baskets, cardboard boxes, cross country skis, and all kinds of random crap that they left so we could slide down. It was one of the best experiences I have had. There is such a camaraderie between all the people up there, drinking and building snowmen and throwing (ouch, sniper style) snowballs at each other. There were puppies, babies, and all kinds of people braving the harsh blizzard in order to experience the rush of making it down all the steps. Conrey and I went down on a variety of things, including this sign. This is the most Philly example I could ever give you; how hood is this tagged market sign? And that it was just sitting around and hundreds of people were sledding down with it?

Another great thing: Snowmen. Because it was a little warmer, the snow was heavy, and snowmen were everywhere. Observe:

Yes, I am wearing running shorts over leggings. So I'll never be quite winter-weather prepared.

ANOTHER snow day!

2010-02-09T19:41:00.000-08:00

I have no words. There was school today, but ten kids were absent. Tomorrow is a snow day again. I am going to be teaching until July. (But I don't mind.)

NO COMPLAINTS HERE

2010-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

There WILL be a snow day tomorrow. I am ecstatic. This is the perfect way to kick off my birthday week.

I am starting to look for jobs in my hometown (no more info on that yet. I'll keep you posted if anything happens.) and this will be the one teaching perk in Philly that I'll miss: the abundance of snow days! Last year we had three. Tomorrow will be our second for the school years and I have my toes crossed for more. Even though it extends the school year, it's a price I will willingly pay to make it through the winter months.

Which, by the way, this is my official announcement: I am turning 23 again on Thursday. I don't want to make it to 25, so we are stopping my age progression. Maybe when I'm 30, I'll own up to 25.

snow time!

2010-02-07T11:33:00.000-08:00

It's cold. In fact, it's one of the snowiest for Philadelphia - we received 28.5 inches yesterday, the second highest snowfall on record. I don't hate it, in fact, I love it... the snow is beautiful.

My problem? Well, I still don't quite understand snow. As you may know, I have lived in Florida and Texas. Mind you, Austin gets cold and has some winter days, but mostly they are just ice. I've only dealt with snow when I've been skiing, and even then it was snow that had been on the ground awhile, not winter storm snow that buries your vehicle.

So I don't "get" how snow works. I see it, and it's just so lovely, and so I expect it to be solid and walk over it. No. If there is two feet of snow surrounding your car and you step in it, you sink two feet down. And then your feet and legs are cold.

When your car is covered in two feet of snow and you brush it off, it doesn't float away. It flies onto your jacket and in your sleeves past the gloves and on your bare skin and then it melts.

Did you know that snow is really just cold, cold water? Come sit on my leather driver's seat; I'll prove it to you.

(Pictures to come. Still hoping for a snow day. You may see a complaint post in a few hours.)

gotta laugh

2010-02-06T17:56:00.000-08:00

Friday's Morning Do Now:

If you had to drink one drink for the rest of your life, what would you drink? Why?

Boy: "Ms. Rawson, how do you spell beer?"
Me (Freaking out): "Oh my goodness, Andrew!" (Name changed)
Andrew: "Ms. Rawson, ROOT beer!"

the good always comes with a catch

2010-02-01T15:34:00.000-08:00

The good part?

We are receiving $1,000 for classroom materials. Each!

The bad part?

We were told on Friday and the "plan" is due tomorrow.

The other bad part?

Many speculate that we won't get the materials until September.

This is not okay.

lady gaga. grammys. big win.

2010-02-01T12:44:00.001-08:00

Oh man, Lady Gaga was awesome last night.

First, she shows up in Armani:

Then, she opened the show with this.

It's amazing, seriously watch it.

This is her after, with her special guest:

Then she looked all crazy wearing this:

Gotta love her! The Grammys were good last night!

re: art museum field trip

2010-01-30T18:49:00.001-08:00

Ridiculous. Our trip was awesome except for the fact that the bus showed one hour late and we almost missed our entire field trip. I cannot thank the Philadelphia Museum of Art enough for being accommodating to us even though the bus company was NOT. I was livid... they gave us $50 off, which isn't much for being an entire hour late.

One funny thing. We went to an exhibit on armor, which my kids loved. We walked through a room of muskets and guns and one of my boys walked up to the display, put his hand up like he was holding one of the guns, and yelled, "Give me your 40! Give me your 40!" Hahaha.

finally, something positive

2010-01-28T18:08:00.002-08:00

I've written a few times about a child I have in my classroom. At seven years old, she has little to no positive peer interaction. She is the one who frequently starts tearing up the classroom without any sort of trigger. Within seconds she switches from sitting quietly to throwing a textbook at another child's head unprovoked. She eats paper, and dirt, and leaves, and plastic. She is so obviously on the autistic spectrum it's not even funny. Not to mention the fact that she has thrown desks, books, scissors and chairs and made the classroom fairly unsafe.

You can probably imagine how chaotic my room is, and you can probably imagine how difficult that can be for a little girl who has a serious disability. She is bright but has trouble being in the classroom that we can provide for her. Since the first day she was in my class we have been advocating for her to be placed in an autism support program - outside of the school, because we have nothing like that within the school walls.

Today, on day 89 of the school year, I got word that my sweet little girl was placed at another school within the district, arranged transportation, and will be starting at the school tomorrow. We will all miss her despite the chaos she brought into my room - she is a darling girl when she's one on one with us and she always had me laughing. But thank goodness we got through all the red tape and were able to make something happen for this little girl!

pray for us

2010-01-28T18:08:00.001-08:00

Our first field trip is tomorrow.

Philadelphia Museum of Art, I'm sorry. I tried really hard to prepare them for this moment, but there is no telling what is going to happen. Here goes nothing!

recuerdos de haiti

2010-01-17T15:58:00.001-08:00

My heart hurts for Haiti right now. The time I spent in the DR introduced me to so many of Haitians that still have a piece of my heart.

I got to go to Haiti for a few days back in 2007. I went mostly for the experience of seeing a place so poor and broken down, and I have to say I was overwhelmed seeing Cap Haitien. There is nothing like it - it is a country falling apart at the seams.

I cannot even begin to imagine Port au Prince now, and the pain and suffering going on there. I'm honestly at a loss for words.

quote of the day (written)

2010-01-15T10:36:00.000-08:00

Today one of my favorite students tried to write on her paper:

I have a purple shirt.

She wrote instead:

I have a purple shart.

I laughed. I corrected it but didn't tell her why it was funny. And I won't tell you either!

on being required to do things you don't have, ie. why my job is a catch-22

2010-01-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

Now to the complaining section of my blog. Feel free not to read on.

I've found over my past year and half that high need schools are underfunded and underresourced. I have also found that there is a push to put in place all sorts of interventions to prevent the school from failing. One example of this is a mandated direct instruction math and literacy program that we do every day, SRA. It is basically a scripted program where the teacher works with a small group (15 or less) of students on the same level, and it involves a lot of the teacher reading and students repeating.

Well, this program is proven to help kids who our really behind (our kids) move up. That's great. The problem? My group finished our literacy book in the middle of December. We have not gotten the next level of books. They are not getting to move up. In fact, they are staying pretty stagnant. I let them do reading/writing workshops, but the time is super unstructured and, I feel, pretty useless.

Half the time I let them get on the computer. Now let's move to the computer. All students are supposed to have a Study Island account, because Study Island is proven to raise PSSA test scores. But they don't.

Teachers are supposed to have the login for our other reading programs website, which would give the students games for the stories we are currently reading to reinforce skills. But they don't.

So when kids get on the computer in my room, they end up getting on games. I try to get them on learning sites, but they quickly stray to all kinds of crazy game sites (the ones that aren't blocked, anyway.)

After school, I am supposed to teach another scripted program. I have the teacher's guides, but no student books. It's impossible without them. I just got one set - this does not make for easy work. One set for ten kids? So irritating to have to make copies.

Copies. That's another thing. We are underresourced, so everything is copied out of books. But we get one case of paper on the year (let me tell you - that is NOT ENOUGH). So we buy our own paper. And last week, every single copy machine (there are four) ran out of toner.

That's right. No copies for the entire school.

Anyway, back to the after school program. I have to teach this after school curriculum that I don't have - LOVE IT! - and a woman from the program (it's outsourced) comes in to watch me, and yells at me for not implementing the curriculum. The curriculum that... yes, you guessed it, that I don't have!

ohhhh kids

2010-01-13T18:18:00.000-08:00

So, I'm trying not to obsess on here about the frustrations of my job. So I'll give you something to laugh about:

Every morning we line up outside the classroom door. They are all marshmallows in their heavy coats, gloves and hats, waddling up to the doorway. Every single day I ask someone to please tell us the routine of what we do when we enter the class.

The routine is: Give Ms. Rawson a hug, handshake, or high five. Go inside. Hang up your coat and backpack. Put your orange homework folder on your desk so Ms. Rawson can stamp your behavior sheet (since it should be signed by a parent). Begin your warm up while you wait.

This is actually not that complicated. We forget every day, though, so I continue to ask and they continue to explain.

Last week:
Me: "What do we do when we get inside? Yes, K."
K: (eagerly) You go inside, take off all your clothes--...uhhh....your...coats."

I died laughing. Then I politely asked everyone to not take off their clothes.

all things football

2010-01-08T18:21:00.000-08:00

First things first, I never want to be that girl. You know the one. She knows everything about football and has a strong opinion and is convinced she is the most diehard sports fan, even though you know that she's never played a sport in her life and didn't watch sports until she was old enough to realize that it's a way to get to boys.

That was me. I truly love sports, and I can be caught watching Around the Horn and Pardon the Interruption in between my favorite E! shows at the gym, but I can't spit sports stats and information at you except for the ones I regurgitate from today's show (Example: Colt McCoy won more games than any other quarterback. Pete Carroll is wanted as the new head coach of the Seahawks after they fired Mora today.) And let me tell you, this girl is no athlete. I didn't even play little kids soccer. Everybody does that!

Anyway, know that I am no expert. But, all that aside, I love Texas football more than most anything in the world. As you all know, we lost the championship game last night to Alabama. Yes, Colt got hurt and took himself out of the game after just five plays. Yes, I believe the game would have been much different if he hadn't gotten hurt. No, I'm not going to complain about it for the rest of my life (although I might, but I really think that most people believe this to be true as well). Yes, I know that Texas fans are obnoxious and that absolutely everyone else hates us.

That said, I was able to outfit six non-Texas students in Texas shirts last night and get them to hook their horns in support of me. I loved watching the game with Philly Texas Exes, hugging when Gilbert got the game moving again, and discussing Nick Saban's total lack of class (and to think, Saban, we were sitting there saying what a classy guy you were the whole time!).

I'm not pissed that we lost. I AM pissed that Greg McElroy had the cajones to run on the field in the last minute and a half of the game and put his horns in the air and then flick them down in a gesture to show that they dominated us. You sir, are officially unwelcome back into your home state. Seriously though, what was he thinking? He was by no means the star of last night's game. And they will forever have that championship, but everyone will always wonder what would have been had Colt been in there.

When Vince Young left Texas for the draft, I was heartbroken. I thought we would never have a quarterback like him. And now I laugh that I ever doubted Colt McCoy; he blew school records out of the water and is an upstanding citizen. Ridiculous! But losing him seemed to me like the most depressing thing, ever. But now, I'm excited to see what Garrett Gilbert does as quarterback. We are all rooting for you buddy!

Colt McCoy:

Garrett Gilbert:

new year's resolution

2010-01-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

To focus on the children who are far behind and get them where they need to be. To not give up on the difficult ones. To make sure they know every day that they are loved.

the future?

2009-12-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

Everything is starting to get uncertain.

I have been 100% positive I will not teach at my school next year, but pretty sure I would live in Philly and pretty sure I would continue to teach in the school district.

Now the idea that I don't have to keep teaching is starting to feel like the most fantastic feeling in the world. Maybe it's not for me. I'm already completely burned out. I don't feel like a good teacher. What else can I do?

That's another thing. I don't know what I'm good at. Or where I want to be. I am getting a bigger headache thinking about it though, that's for sure. So I'll stop. Goodnight!

a.i.'s triumphant return to philly

2009-12-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

We love Allen Iverson.

The Sixers had a sold out crowd tonight, A.I.'s first game back in Philadelphia, and even though Chauncy Billups and the Denver Nuggets pulled ahead and won the game, I think that Iverson should be happy he's back home, because we love him.

Seriously, whenever he was in or out of the game, an assist or a free throw, or his face was zoomed in on the jumbotron, everyone went crazy. He kissed the court at the beginning of the game and I had chills. I don't even have ties to him. I just like him cause my city does.

It's nice to see Philly all ban together and be excited!

Here's a video of a press conference with A.I. about him missing practice back when he played for the Sixers the first time. It's epic. He's so angry and says "practice" at least 20 times. Enjoy!

did you know?

2009-12-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

Did you know that I love Lady GaGa?

For Christmas, I got my roommates and myself plus one other close friend tickets to go to Lady GaGa's Monster Ball show.

If you live under a rock, Lady GaGa is as well known for her songs ("Poker Face," "Just Dance," "Lovegame," "Paparazzi," and "Bad Romance" have all been or currently are radio hits) as for her wild outfits and performances. She never wears pants - pretty much exclusively leotards. At the MTV VMAs, she wore several different outfits, including one made of red lace that completely covered her face, a giant couture neck brace, and an eskimo hat-thing. She also started "bleeding" and hung herself on stage when she performed (please watch above but brace yourself for the weird.) She is a performance artist, she is the hottest thing in pop right now, and she also happens to actually have a great voice. Her show was crazy... she didn't actually do anything terrifyingly weird - just choreographed a wild, entertaining, fantastic show. With real vocals!

My favorite thing she said was that if there was another world war, her fans would be dancing and singing and "throwing glitter into the air."

VMA performance

Rocking the long blonde wig with the giant hair-bow. Love it.

in the interest of full disclosure

2009-12-02T19:34:00.000-08:00

I don't want to make this a complaining blog, which I've said before.

I strongly believe in the students I have. I strongly believe that there is a huge injustice going on in our country and that educational equity is a huge problem all over.

I strongly believe that within education, there is a systemic oppression that is keeping my kids marginalized and that even though they are the ones pissing me off day after day, it isn't their fault. And that's even more frustrating.

There are great teachers and potentially great teachers who are quickly burning out at struggling, underfunded schools who are bailing on kids who never had a fighting chance.

That's frustrating. And I'm one of them. I have had a headache the size of Texas for the past three days that I can't seem to get to subside. I'm worn out and running out of ideas. I am just trying to keep my head above water a lot of the day, and that's a horrible feeling.

But I can't give up, because if I do, I am giving up on kids. On humans. On real people who don't deserve to be given up on.

What if someone had given up on you? Where would you be? Maybe they have, and you can relate more to my students than to me. But I was always encouraged, always pushed, always had someone behind me. Even now... So I have to be that for them.

Can you tell I need winter break, and fast?

looking for a pick me up?

2009-12-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

If you need to smile, I would suggest checking out 1000 Awesome Things. The writer has been counting down from 1000 and has gotten to the 600s - each thing a blog post about something, well, awesome.

Some of my favorites today:
#943 Using Q-tips the way you're not supposed to use them.
#936 Perfect parallel parking on the first try.

The fun doesn't end with this site - I find myself agreeing with most all of them. Enjoy!

off the charts

2009-12-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've posted.. all hell has broken loose at my school and I think I'm too tired to recap my days. It's a shame, because they are novel-worthy. I have a best seller in my brain. Actually, I have a friend who writes down all the incidents that happen at school and plans to publish someday, and I have got to beat him to it.

I wanted to share something small that is encouraging. I had a student last year who I probably wrote about a lot. We will call her Sally. Sally was a fighter and all around pain in my butt. Honestly, she spent most of her time suspended and I preferred it that way. When she was in class, she cartwheeled during benchmark tests, refused to complete a single assignment, and beat people up. She was one student who I could never gauge, never reach. She didn't like one on one time with me. In fact, she seemed to dislike everything about me. It was endlessly frustrating.

Anyway, it was a relief not to have to teach her anymore. I felt like I had failed her more than most.

This year, Sally comes to visit me all the time. In fact, whenever I stay after school, she stays with me to help. Yesterday she stayed for an hour just cleaning up my closets, and then sat and quizzed her cousin, a low performing student in my class, with sight words.

She has changed a little. Who knows what she is like in her class, but she has softened toward me and regardless of her test scores, that's huge.

compliment?!?

2009-11-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

A parent told me that I looked like Sandra Bullock and that she appreciated how I was always smiling. It was nice to know that the parents of my kids can tell how much I care about their children. Ugh, cause I do, even when I hate them.

losing things

2009-11-15T12:01:00.000-08:00

Don't you hate the feeling that something is gone and you have no clue where it could be?

This happens to me often. Currently, I am missing two huge things (don't laugh): a pair of green shell earrings with peace signs on them and black sparkly nail polish. Okay, you can laugh, but those who know me know that this is tragic. That black nail polish put me back $8 because I absolutely needed it and I rock the black nails nearly year round. And the earrings came from Santa Monica when I was visiting Whitney and are precious to me!

Okay, so it could be worse. These are relatively small items and they are only possessions. I have a lot to be thankful for and I shouldn't need to dwell on a couple things that I'm missing. But really, how did I lose these things?

Well, let's be honest. Once school started, make up and jewelry virtually disappeared and in its place was ratty hair, dark under eye circles, and chipped nails. In addition, I have been discussing with my friends this theory of memory loss that I have been experiencing recently. I have trouble remembering what happens day to day (thus making it impossible to remember the last time I saw those earrings and the nail polish) and I think that it's my brain's way of protecting me a little bit - it glosses things over so that the terrible things that happen each day aren't quite so vivid so I'm able to move on and come back day after day.

Anyway, if you've seen these items, their owner misses them.

The earrings in a happier time: LA with Whitney.

day off

2009-11-11T11:35:00.000-08:00

There is nothing better than a midweek day off. Some disagree, would rather have a long weekend, but come on. Wednesday is obviously the worst day of the week, no buts about it. To get to skip it, sleep in, enjoy the winter weather and relax so you can catch yourself up for the rest of the week? I'll take it!

It's beautiful here. I mean it's below 50 degrees and spitting rain, but the leaves have changed and the fall has been really mild. Maybe we are in for a miserable winter? I hope so! SNOW DAYS!

just pluggin away

2009-11-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

So I have looked up to Constance Dykhuizen since she was el boss in the DR back in 2007. See here:

and here:

Anyway, I came across these pictures and wanted to make you aware of what this amazing woman is doing in Phayao, Thailand with her organization, Education for Life. It is committed to educating girls and thus working toward eliminating sex trafficking which is a pressing problem there. (I hope I worded that right Con.) Not only is she admirable for what she is doing, but she is always a fun read. Please check out her blog here.

Sorry Constance, I just missed you and I wanted everyone to understand why. Want to come take care of seven year olds who eat paper here instead?

can you believe it's november?

2009-11-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

I can't!

Time flies by here in Philly. I don't know what your days are like, but mine feel long. And then all of a sudden, I am looking at 12 days until Thanksgiving break. I'm ecstatic!

I'm pleased to report that although my class isn't necessarily improving behavior-wise, I have been feeling much better. I realize I can't be so hard on myself. I also can't take my administrator's comments too personally. I know how hard I work and I know how deeply I love my students and that is enough.

My class has grown - I received one new student and three students from the other second grade class. Our classes were unevenly split. I had more students not show up on my roll (this often happens) and we had to decide which students she would give me. It can be pretty stressful transitioning to a completely new class, but the new children I have are doing remarkably well.

Let's see how crazy they get as the holidays come!

where there's smoke...

2009-10-31T11:36:00.000-07:00

You never expect to wake up in the middle of the night to find two firemen in your room yelling, "OPEN YOUR WINDOW!"

But it happened to me. Last night was one of my most eventful Fridays - going to Terror Behind the Walls at Eastern State Penitentiary in my neighborhood. It is an epic haunted house and I definitely enjoyed myself. I got home, got ready for bed, and crashed in my room with my light on (typical). I was home alone, and didn't hear anyone get home.

Flash forward about an hour and a half to 2:30 am. Two firemen bust into my room asking me to open the window that is next to my bed and go to open the other. Our fire alarm is blaring (apparently my whole block was out). Smoke is rushing into my room, and all I'm thinking is (a) how could I have done this, and (b) how did they get in my house? Oh, and (c) did they notice that my smoke detector was unscrewed and sitting on my dresser and am I going to get in trouble and (d) did they step on my pile of clean laundry?

Bless my roommate's heart; she got home, hadn't eaten dinner, and fell asleep making pasta. The smoke was so thick that I couldn't see across the hall and it stretched all three floors. She didn't wake up to the smoke alarm either - she woke up when the firemen were banging on our door. My neighbor says that they were putting up their ladder and everything ready to bust inside when she finally answered. Luckily nothing caught fire, just left a horrible smoke smell and a little lung pain.

Waking up this morning, I am very relieved that I didn't somehow cause the mess while I was asleep, but I am a little concerned. I am known for my ability to sleep hard - I slept through a smoke detector malfunction as a kid, through Hurricane Andrew in Florida, through the incident where the man hit four cars then flipped his car right below my open window.

The thing is, the smoke alarm was going off long enough for the fire department to come, and I did not wake up until they were in my room. I didn't even hear them knocking, and let me tell you, the smoke alarm was SO LOUD once I was up. I had not been drinking. I was only one hour into my sleep, max. It's funny to be a heavy sleeper, but I'm an adult now. What if the house had caught on fire? I would have been donezo from the carbon monoxide. It's a little scary - what if I have a family someday? How can I be responsible for others, for a home, for anything if I can't even take care of myself?

Regardless, it's kind of hilarious.

ill state of mind

2009-10-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

This may not be relevant to those of you who have not heard "Empire State of Mind," but you really need to listen to it now if you haven't. It may well be the best song of 2009. (Listen here.)

So technically I'm not allowed to like this song right now because, well, if you haven't heard, the Phillies are playing the Yankees in the World Series, and that would be wrong of me.

Someone rerecorded the song with new lyrics. It is called "Ill State of Mind" and it's awesome - if you've been to the city, you'll love it. Check it out here.

it's that time of year

2009-10-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

I will not lose heart. I will not lose heart.

I'm trying really hard to convince myself.

Today my assistant principal told me that I struggled last year, and I'm struggling this year, and she's not trying to say "I gotcha," but the common factor is me. I am the problem.

Apparently, I am causing my students to attack each other.

I am not writing this for (a) you to feel sorry for me, or (b) for you to tell me I am doing a good job. I am by far my biggest critic. I go home and struggle every night about my failures in the classroom and change, change, change. I know that I am inexperienced and not "commanding" enough. I know that I have trouble organizing, scheduling, deescalating conflict, and planning. I know very little about how to teach kids to count, read, and be human beings. I know this. I don't have to keep a teaching journal (which was today's big suggestion from my AP) to remember what worked and what mostly didn't.

The thing is, the job I have is so discouraging that I am not sure I want to be a teacher anymore. I honestly don't know if I am good at this - there is little to no proof that I do anything well in the classroom. So I will continue to try, even though I don't know if this situation will ever improve. Here's hoping?

while you were out...

2009-10-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

...a little nugget punched in my doorknob and now my key doesn't fit. So no more locked door!

(It wasn't my student)

it's that time again

2009-10-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

The Phillies are going to the World Series and hoping for a repeat year. I am beyond excited, if only because the city goes WILD. I can't copy these photos and put them on this page, so I recommend you go look at these fan celebration pictures from last night here. My favorite is the bleeding shirtless guy being taken away from the crowd in handcuffs.

With the fall excitement and lovely weather and Phillies phever comes the struggles at school. I know my kids better and better and the honeymoon is way beyond over. There are a few kids who really affect the mood of the classroom. I actually filmed them today and caught on tape my little girl "Susie" throwing a textbook at the head of the sweet student who sits DIRECTLY next to her, completely unprovoked. Then you see me lift her out of her seat after she pushes over several chairs and she kicks another little girl right in her back, leaving a footprint. It was terrible. I don't know if I even batted an eyelash.

That being said, there are still little moments that are funny or pleasant - though right now, in the toughest part of the school year (in my opinion) - they seem few and far between.

I'll give you one nugget: one little girl turned to the boy next to her completely exasperated and said, "Snoop Dogg is NOT a dog," like he was the biggest idiot in the world. I laughed.

Oh, and I had another girl have an accident. My kids were pretty cool about it, but the boy who sits next to her had to accidentally drop his math paper in the pee puddle. It was hilarious.

soo philly

2009-10-22T04:22:00.001-07:00

I'm driving home from Cypha group at my church in north Philly last night. I take 17th Street to get home, which is just a narrow Philly residential street with cars parallel parked on either side. There ends up being some sort of bus or truck that gets stuck three blocks up from my church and I get trapped on the street for 20 minutes with cars in front and behind me. Then a police officer comes and screams at us and tells us we have to back up (as if we should have known that someone was stalled up ahead). The girl behind me freaked out because she couldn't back up and had to get someone from the block to back up for her. It took another ten minutes. The best part was because of all the time wasted, I went on low fuel and couldn't drive to school this morning. I had to race over to the most expensive gas station to put enough gas in to make it to school. That's life here!

a great weekend with a great friend

2009-10-18T18:34:00.000-07:00

One of my very best friends, Alissa, came to town for the weekend, and it was instantly a comfort and joy to have her here. We have been friends since we met, and she will be a best friend for the rest of my life. It is so wonderful to have that kind of friendship visit me here.

She got a taste of my daily routines, including being the first outsider to spend a day in my wild second grade class. We actually had a pretty good day - lots of kids are sick and it was rainy and so some of my biggest behavior issue children were home. It was a pretty good Friday.

I have to say, everything was pretty true to form except for how late we stayed out on Friday - we saw a movie and were home around 9. Normally I'm in bed before 8. "New York, I Love You" was really great and the theatre we saw it in in Bala Cynwyd, PA was even better. It was an old theatre with incredibly high ceilings and chandeliers. (The Texas-OU game was terrifying, and unfortunately did not put us back in the #2 slot in the AP poll. But who CARES. A win is a win, right?)

The most interesting thing I think that Alissa and I did was visit the opening day of the Body Worlds 2 exhibit at the Franklin Institute. This features real bodies kept intact by plastination, a technique created by Gunther Von Hagens. Some of the bodies are in poses, like ballet or playing baseball, exposing muscles and nerves and bones... some still have their hair. It is one of the most fascinating exhibits I have ever seen, and recommend it even if you're squeamish or find the idea of bodies on display questionable. More on Body Worlds here.

movies

2009-10-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

Movies I'm dying to see...

Whip It!
It's set in Austin and has great reviews.
Plus I love the idea of a nerdy girl becoming a roller girl.

Fame
Because musicals are great, and Kherington Payne was on So You Think You Can Dance.

Zombieland
Rumored to be one of the funniest movies, ever. My students apparently want to see it.

Good Hair
Chris Rock's documentary exploring hair trends of black women. Looks hilarious and insightful, and probably isn't what you'd expect from Chris Rock.

Where The Wild Things Are
No explanation.

New York, I Love You
Paris, Je'taime was beautifully made, and this film is like it: a series of vignettes by different directors set in NYC telling different stories about all aspects of love.

Precious
Tyler Perry film that's been getting lots of buzz about a poor teenager in Harlem. It looks like it will be heartbreaking and empowering, especially since my heart is in the inner city.

New Moon
I like Twilight and I'm not afraid to say it.

fat, dumb, white

2009-10-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

I am called lots of things at school. Most of them make me laugh. Today, I was called "Mommy," "Grandma," "dumb," "sucker," and "fat."

The last three are my favorite. It's hard not to laugh at these moments - there is this one student, who we will call Mark, who called me all of the bad names. He called another little girl fat in my class, and I was able to calm her down by saying, "He calls me fat. Am I? Well, neither are you!"

It is heartbreaking to see a little girl already struggling with her self image. Four people in my class called her fat today, and I know it is breaking her down. Other teachers say that she brings it on herself by instigating, but I feel like she is putting up defenses by being mean first.

This teasing happens a lot. I have kids crying every day because of the name calling, the insulting each other's mamas, etc. It's pretty silly, but at the same time they are just constantly tearing each other apart. It really makes my classroom unsafe emotionally.

how do seven year olds make you upset?

2009-10-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

It really, really worked my nerves when one yelled out, "You're just a mean stupid white teacher!"

television

2009-09-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

On a lighter note, I love Wednesday night TV.

I was never much of a TV watcher, so I believe in giving credit where credit is due and thanking the people who have gotten me addicted to the shows that become my lifeline during the school year.

1. America's Next Top Model. Lara and Bekah are two of my very best friends who have known me since the fourth grade, who love me in spite of (or maybe because of) my Babysitter's Club watch (the sign of a member of the Babysitter's Club Fan Club) that I wore religiously or my punk rock phase in high school when I wore shell toes that I got signed by bands. They were Top Model watchers, and I first watched at their apartment a few years ago. Then, a couple VH1 marathons later and I was history. I partook in my Top Model obsession with a couple of my old roommates and have continued to watch the seasons here in Philly. The drama! The makeup! The poses! Tyra said last week to a girl: "You model really well with the back of your neck." She just makes stuff up and it sounds legit... and I love it.

2. So You Think You Can Dance. Natalie Wright sat me down at our kitchen counter and showed me the best dances from the previous summer back when we lived together in college, and it has grown into an obsession with my college friends. We e-mail about it, we call about it, I fly home to watch it with Alissa, Sarah, and Jordan. (Not really - I wish!) This show is incredible if you like dancing at all. Also, if you like music. I never have been able to watch the show in real time because it's a summer show and I'm usually fully occupied, but this summer I watched religiously, and am so excited to watch the fall season. (By the way, my last two season favorites were Joshua and Jeanine, who both ended up winning. Just saying.)

3. Glee. This I discovered on my own, but have been recruiting people. It's just genius.

quick trip home

2009-09-28T19:52:00.000-07:00

This past week has been incredibly challenging. My Young Life leader, Sara Sullivan, passed away at age 28, just two weeks after giving birth to her baby, Chloe Grace.

(Please read Sara, Brady, and Chloe's incredible story here: http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com)

I found myself making an emergency trip to Austin/Houston to say goodbye to a woman who really helped alter the course of my life. It was a relief to be home with those who knew her and were able to sit and talk about her and laugh and just be together. Even though the reason was the worst possible one to go home, I am thankful just to have known her and that I was able to travel home at all in such a difficult time.

Now I can look forward to my next time in Texas: for the bachelorette party of one of my best friends (December 11-13), then her wedding the following weekend (December 18-20), and finally, home for the holidays on Christmas Eve. What a whirlwind of trips - and what a shame to fly back and forth so much! Duty calls: the munchkins need me.

i won't get used to this

2009-09-23T19:45:00.001-07:00

"Hey Ms. Rawson, I gotta give you somethin."

And then he proceeds to give me a huge hug.

It was just what I needed.

dumping ground

2009-09-21T13:10:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel like this school gets students dumped on them from all over the city who have behavior problems. It's not that every student is so far behind - many of them are very bright. But nearly all cannot control themselves in one way or another and behave in a manner that is out of control and NOT school appropriate. I got another new student today and he seemed okay until he balled up his fists and went at me and several other students.

No good.

my get-motivated playlist

2009-09-19T14:06:00.001-07:00

There are some songs that I believe can help you get through most anything. Especially during those early mornings. So for anyone needing a little inspiration (okay, sometimes hardcore hip hop inspires me!), here's my ultimate jam mix for 2009, featuring songs from lots of different years.

Miley Cyrus - Party in the USA. Everything will be okay after you hear this.
Michael Jackson - Man in the Mirror. Really makes you want to make that change.
Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You). A little reggae beat, undeniably happy.
Kings of Leon - Use Somebody. Sorry, I'm not sick of this song yet. It jams.
Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys - Empire State of Mind. Alicia Keys has a bangin voice. You won't be able to stop singing the hook.
Matisyahu - One Day. It's catchy and inspiring. The man is a Hasidic Jew and an experimental reggae master. Love it.
Sara Bareilles - Vegas. You may need to think about escaping to get through a day at all, and this girl will help.
Darius Rucker - Alright. The former Hootie frontman does country that even the biggest skeptics will want to sing to. Everything is okay after you hear this one.
Beyonce - Get Me Bodied. Okay, you may want to go out dancing and pat that weave, which isn't work appropriate, but this girl can pull energy out of anybody.
Des'ree - You Gotta Be. Duh.
The Black Eyed Peas - Imma Be. This jams more than "I Gotta Feelin."
Pit Bull - Go Girl. All my TFA friends know that I would listen to this song every morning at 6am on loop on our yellow school bus headed out to teach. It is the ultimate dancing song and is in no way, shape, or form appropriate for school.

Okay everyone, start downloading.

the day from hell

2009-09-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I might be in hell.

I have a little girl. Let's call her Susie. Susie sometimes loses it and has these massive tantrums. She jumps on and off of the radiator. She runs around the classroom. She drop kicks and punches classmates. She throws things at them without them starting with her. She yells "LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'LL F*** YOU UP!" and shoots the middle finger. She hangs from the poles in the room. She hit me with a whiteboard. She threw whiteboards at her classmates' heads. She threw scissors at her classmates' heads. She throws chairs. She stands on tables. She kicks over desks. She kicks over the easel. She ripped down my bulletin board and my tree. She knocked all the books off the bookshelf behind my desk. She ripped up three books and ate the pages, and spit the rest out at students. She finally fell asleep on the radiator.

I was told to ignore her.

(And she's just the stand out. There was a child sent home for fighting. There is a kid who would only sit on top of his desk or other people's, kept calling a girl's mom a fat cheeseburger and moving her to the "boy's bathroom" tab on our board, sang YMCA in the back of the room while jerkin (the hot new dance move, see here), kicked and elbowed every child in the room, and cut his letters into teeny tiny pieces of paper all over the floor, among other things. There is another boy who does the exact opposite of every single thing I say and has only written his name in all eight days together.)

Good times.

and just in general

2009-09-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

If you are ever planning on starting a business, people don't like to work in environments where they are never given any positive reinforcement. It's not why I'm teaching, but to never, ever get told anything positive really makes a place horrible to go to.

Your employees may be screwing everything up, but they are doing something right, at least deep down somewhere. You should probably go tell them. We aren't so different in that respect from children.

Just something to consider.

you can take the girl out of fourth grade...

2009-09-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this year is better than last year. My students are really bright for the most part. And I currently only have 21 on roll (let's wait that one out, of course). But I have six kids who are extremely disturbed. Kids who I have to hold as they kick and scream "I'm going to kill you!!!!" Kids who write "Fat cat f***" on their white boards during math. Kids who pick up the bench in our reading corner and purposely drop it on their foot.

We can't do this alone. Neighborhood schools are in shambles people. Someone help Philadelphia out!

what i want to be: age 7

2009-09-10T19:27:00.001-07:00

When I was seven, I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

My kids want to be:

- a teacher (6)
- a nurse (1)
- a cop (2)
- a football player (4)
- a wrestler (1)
- a bus driver (1)
- a fire truck driver (1)
- a zookeeper (1)
- a soldier (1)
- a diva (1)

Gotta love the creativity... gotta love all the future teachers!

behavior

2009-09-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

Most of my second graders with serious behavior problems are the ones who are especially bright. And I think they get especially bored during this "fluffy" week of character building and classroom rules and whatnot. Solution? Challenge packets. I spent about twenty minutes copying packets of work, games, and enrichment for those kids who always finish first - and there are about seven of them who are bright. It's really a good thing!

I have one little girl who has a complete lack of social constructs and norms. First off, she doesn't want to come in my class in the morning - literally gets dragged in by her mother and throws huge tantrums. She is constantly off in her own world, rolling around on the floor, leading to the whole class seeing her underwear over and over. She frequently throws math manipulatives and other things at students, sometimes unprovoked. She looks and acts a little different, so I think she gets teased a little, but sometimes I think that she just flies off the handle. Today I had to drag her out of the room because she was under a table kicking chairs out at people. Then I had to call the office (for the first time) because she was holding a broom over her head, about to take someone out with it. The thing is, she's not malicious. I think she just can't control herself when she doesn't like a situation. She's really bright, and her mom really wants to help her because she's out of control at home too, so I hope that we can figure out the best way to get her to learn and adapt to social situations.

the first two days

2009-09-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

After yesterday, I felt pretty relieved. Some of my second graders are a little bit nuts, but overall they were a breath of fresh air to the students I had last year.

That said, there is no greater feeling than having those difficult little ones from my first class tackle me in the school yard on the first day, to where I cannot get to my new class. Everyone looked older, seemed more mature and more wonderful than last year - mostly (completely) because they weren't my students anymore.

I remember that last year after my first day, I felt okay. It was my second day that brought me to heaves and sobs - I couldn't see the road in front of me as I bawled to my mom over the phone. So I knew that today would be the day to set the mood of the year... and I'm proud to say, there were NO tears! And actually, there were very little frustrations... I think that handling babies is definitely difficult in a different way than my experiences from last year.

Our regional superintendent, who I don't always trust, came into my room and gave me a huge hug and told me how wonderful my room looked - THAT was encouraging. And a little surprising. She also made me look good in front of my principal. So thanks!

classroom photos

2009-09-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

curious

2009-08-28T08:15:00.000-07:00

This is the way things work here:

In grade 1-5, there are three teachers returning. Only one is a real veteran teacher, the other two (myself included) are in our second year. We were moved all around the building, which was fine, but the chairs and desks you sit at in first grade are very different from those in fifth grade. Ultimately, that means we need all that furniture moved.

In a normal school, your janitorial staff and movers would move all those things (by law). Instead of complaining, a teacher and I decided to move everything ourselves. We didn't want to sit around and wait for our desks and chairs to get moved, because who knows if that would happen. No one knows what needs to be in our classrooms better than us.

One of our administrators ended up tracking us down and reaming us out for taking matters into our own hands, saying, "I TOLD you it will all get done!"

The new teachers were cringing as we got yelled at, so concerned for how much trouble we must be in. But honestly, it was instantly shaken off. This is the nature of our school - we have to do things ourselves and it's better to ask forgiveness than permission.

More soon!

overwhelming

2009-08-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

My problem this year is the exact opposite of last year. Last year, I had little to no textbooks or workbooks or anything that I needed to be effective handed to me. This year, I can't walk through my classroom because there is so much STUFF for second grade and left behind by other teachers!

It's great, but this is the first time I've been in my new classroom without my mother. She was my backbone in starting to set up the room and I am not sure what I'm going to do without her.

disaster area

2009-08-25T16:34:00.000-07:00

My classroom is a mess. Finally, everything second grade is in my room. I had two locks broken so I could get into my cabinets, and am trying desperately to organize before school starts September 8. Currently, you can't walk from one side of the room to the other. Photos to come.

excitement!

2009-08-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

My first time in my school in a month and a half made me feel suddenly apprehensive. Taking the time away from that environment makes my memories fuzzy - it couldn't have been that bad, right? It all kind of flooded back as I was walking up and I felt really nervous. I got a call earlier this week letting me know that I would be moving rooms to another floor completely, which threw me off a bit. So now I am on the second floor in order for three classrooms to be devoted to an outside behavioral health service that will be IN-HOUSE! Hallelujah!

My new classroom is stocked with all third grade supplies and too much furniture (like five bookshelves, 8 tables, 22 desks, etc etc.) so I'm going to have to do a lot of moving around and figuring things out. I instantly felt overwhelmed and a little bit panicked, but it is starting to melt away.

I met our new principal. He is both kind and ready for change. He also didn't mind that I am parading through the school and disrupting the cleaning process to start moving my room around, or that I'm bringing my mom with me.

Today I brought in magnetic paint and chalkboard paint and painted over my chalkboards, which were virtually ruined from years of tape and what not. Now my principal says that he might get white boards for that wall - and honestly, I'm not complaining if that happens! White boards would be INCREDIBLE. My mom and I painstakingly moved everything that we thought was for third grade over to the classroom across the hall. I met one new teacher and found out the one next door to me is a new TFA corps member - so exciting!

Now all I have to do is get all the second grade supplies out of the room upstairs and downstairs into my room, decorate all the walls, arrange all the furniture, bring everything from my house into my classroom... Good thing there are two weeks.

this summer vs. last summer

2009-07-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Last summer, I was waking up at 6 am, shaking with nerves to teach my 45 minute block of class, then in intensive training til 430, followed by panic-filled lesson planning. This summer, I have been waking up at 11 am, getting lunch, and then taking a nap at about 3 because it is too dang hot to be awake.

Last summer, everyone was asking, "Do you know where you're teaching? Do you know what grade? What is grad school going to be like? Do you like Philadelphia? Where are you living?"

This summer, there is pretty much only one question: "Do you know what you're doing after this year?"

It is the most valid of questions. My program is a two year one, and if you don't live inside my head, you would probably assume that I am planning on serving my two years of torture and then bowing out to grab one of the jobs readily offered to a Teach for America alum. Besides, I am the most die hard of Austinites. I live and breathe everything about the city and readily claim it as my home. So why would I stay in Philadelphia, the sometimes murder capital of the world and a place with all four seasons?

The funny thing is, my life is in that school now. No matter how miserable I have been (and I got pretty miserable during that winter), I have never thought about "escaping." I watched at least ten teachers "escape" my school this coming fall, and I don't feel envious of them. Instead, all I feel is anger on behalf of the kids who are going to continue to get the worst of the worst. I come here and drive by the elementary school I attended and the others in my neighborhood and I feel angry that we don't have clean floors and walls and chairs and desks that are functional and comfortable. I have shed tears today over what I see day in and day out, and over the mere idea that I could just plain leave it behind to come back to suburbia.

So my answer is: I don't know. At this point, I have no intention of leaving Philadelphia. That said, a lot is changing in my district and there is no clear indication that my school will stay open another year. Anything can happen and I am just along for the ride.

a little negative shout out to my school in the paper

2009-06-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

This is an editorial discussing a few violent incidents that have happened in my region, and my school is one of the ones mentioned. It's funny because all of the other incidents described have also happened at our school, and worse.

The gym teacher made about 100 copies of the article with a note: "We made the paper!"

Read the article here:
Editorial: Can't learn in bad schools

oh, and if you think the education system is okay as is:

2009-06-24T08:15:00.001-07:00

Hopefully this will change your mind.

Affectionately called "Bad Teacher School" around these parts, Philly has the exact same thing. It might be the most ridiculous thing ever.

FINISHED

2009-06-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

I finished my first year of teaching.

I am so relieved and excited for next year. Today I was handed a list of 23 names of my babies for next year, and I can't wait! It frustrates me that a couple of teachers looked at my list and said "Ew. Good luck" about the kids. We have a challenging population, yes, but they are seven years old. And do they have a fighting chance when their teacher is instantly warned about them? Not at all.

Anyway, I can hardly wait.

No, I can wait about two months.

next year will be different

2009-06-18T07:06:00.001-07:00

There are a lot of changes that will be happening next year to me and at my school.

- I am officially tentatively teaching second grade next year. (I am at my principal's mercy to be moved if needed.)

- I am moving into a new classroom with better furniture.

- I will be 1000 times more prepared.

- I already have a reputation at this school.

- My school is getting a new principal. This is not really by her choice but is instead part of the school district administration's plan for reform. Apparently 7 principals in 10 years is the solution. I disagree and am a little anxious about getting a new principal... I truly love our current one.

- There are about 11 classroom teachers leaving. Wow.

finishing well?

2009-06-17T07:07:00.000-07:00

I still have 17 of 24 kids present today. My lucky high school teacher friends have been averaging about six kids in their classes everyday, and here I am still entertaining the mob. I seriously am in shock that I am in my final days of year one! Five more, to be exact. Last night I had some SERIOUS homesickness which was remedied by a few important voices - namely, my mom, Whitney, Sarah, and Emily. It never hurts to hear from loved ones to help with that extra push to get through this mess that is the end of the year.

In class I decided to give each student a scrapbook page and some pictures of themselves and let them scrapbook the year for me. That way, when I look back on my first year of teaching, I won't be able to remember how terrible it was, but instead will look at the smiling faces of the kids and their sweet words and think the year was actually.... good! Maybe.

Things that have not made the scrapbook: several choking incidents, a yo-yo hitting someone in the face and her kicking over the trashcan, the 3,000 seeds on the floor yesterday, and a possible case of swine flu.

shooting... nbd

2009-06-15T07:15:00.000-07:00

There was a shooting very, very close to my school last night at 2:30 am. (Story here.) It made the news, and I stopped short this morning when I heard about it. As I drove up to the school this morning, I felt nervous. Yet when I crossed the intersection where the shooting happened - a cop was shot and several others, but all survived - nothing seemed out of place.

The sad thing is that this is life here. My kids are used to it, adults are used to it, and I guess I'm supposed to get used to it as well.